Speaking of Love

Words and Actions

“Though words can carry love, they often point to it. It is the picking up of something that has been dropped, and the giving of space for someone to discover for themselves what it means to be human, and the forgiving of mistakes when they realize that they are.”

Mark Nepo (The Book of Awakening)

That old cliché, “Actions speak louder than words,” is still true. Our words can point to the fact that we love someone (or don't love them), but it is our actions toward them that highlight the truth. Words are easy to “dress up”—we learn early in life to say words that sound loving even when we don't mean them. But to act in a loving way may be all together different. It may go against our grain; require unfamiliar behavior of us. It may require allowing space that we do not desire for however long that space is needed. It may even mean walking away.

My understanding of what it means to be loving may be entirely different from that of my partner or my friend. In intimate relationships, knowing what is needed by the other and doing it, even when it is uncomfortable for us, is loving as long as we don't lose ourselves in the process. Maintaining love relationships is rarely easy. It requires loss of egocentric will, a willingness to negotiate, and sometimes, sacrificing things we really want. We must put on the scale how much we want to maintain a close relationship with this person, versus how much we want to control what happens between us. Living in a loving way is challenging.

Sometimes words help, and sometimes they only make matters worse. Most of us are not very good at expressing our feelings in words that can be understood by another—especially when the other does not want to hear them. It is well to remember that actions often speak better and clearer—but those actions must come from genuine place of love. Allowing space does not mean frigid withdrawal. Keeping words to a minimum does not mean cold silence. Listening is almost always a good idea. And in relationships, forgiveness is essential—forgiveness of oneself and of the other. We're human, and humans make mistakes. Saying, “I'm sorry,” from a truly contrite heart is sometimes all that's required.

                                                      In the Spirit,

                                                         Jane