Learning to say, "No."

Healthy Boundaries

“When we fail to set boundaries and hold people accountable, we feel used and mistreated.”

Brene Brown

This week has been a stark lesson in setting boundaries. Like all other well-trained co-dependents, I have a problem with boundary-setting. For much of my life, I had no idea what that even meant. Setting a boundary, that is, saying “no,” caused crushing guilt—it still does, but now, thank God, I know what I am dealing with, and I know what to do in response. I wonder about you. Is boundary setting uncharted territory for you, too?

Here's a small tutorial based on a life-time of mistakes and wrong turns: Boundaries are part of self-care. Often, we have been taught, especially women, that our greatest virtue is to serve others—we're taught this daily in our culture, in the church or temple, and in our families. The “feminine” is born to serve, whether it is in men or women. Frequently, we are never taught that part of care-giving is learning to say “no.” In my family, more people have died from diseases of excessive over-giving than anything else—cancer being the primary one. Lack of healthy boundary-setting sets us up for illnesses of our body's immune system. The constant stress and fatigue of giving, giving, giving exhausts the ability of our bodies to protect us against invasion or from within.

One of the underlying causes of co-dependency is that, as children, when we failed to do what was expected of us we were shamed and punished. If a family is overwhelmed by their life circumstances, they may expect their children to come to the rescue by taking on adult responsibilities. When a child fails, or is distracted by a desire to play, they are criticized and made to feel selfish and unworthy of love. That's a harsh reality for many, many families. There is a sizable difference between giving a child chores to do, and expecting him/her to carry an emotional burden for the well-being of the family. When that happens, we do not learn how to set healthy boundaries and we carry that shame-syndrome into our adult relationships.

The good news is that as long as there is life, there is learning. In the words of Melody Beattie, author and recovery activist, “We can say what we need to say. We can gently, but assertively, speak our mind. We do not need to be judgmental, tactless, blaming or cruel when we speak our truth.” Too often, when we are put in situations that hark back to that childhood guilt, we fight back by shaming and punishing others. This is the challenge of co-dependency—how to say “no” in a way that is firm, but kind. We haven't had much experience of that, but it's never too late to learn.

Boundaries are not mean. They are essential to healthy relationships, and they reduce the anger and resentment factors by a lot. I hope today, you firm up your boundaries and do so in as loving a way as possible.

                                                       In the Spirit,

                                                           Jane