Trade-Offs

Perks of Aging

“As much as I loathe this aging thing, I'm beginning to recognize that I'm now a healthier person in terms of self-worth and knowing who I am and where I fit in the world. That's been a good trade-off for the wrinkles.”

Patty Duke

I'm sure you've heard old people say, “I'm still twenty-five inside.” There is a strange paradox that happens as we grow older—our bodies age, but our minds do not, except in good ways. I often think, “Gosh, I wish I had known this at twenty; I could have saved myself a lot of pain and suffering.” But, that's just the thing, isn't it? It takes all that pain and suffering to learn what you know now. What an unfortunate truth!

I'm still surprised when I look in the mirror and see an old woman staring back at me. “Who is that?” I think. “She looks like my mother!” But when someone asks me if I would like to be thirty again, my response is always, “Yes, if I could be thirty and know what I know now.” Aging has its perks. As Patty Duke said, we become more comfortable with who we are and finally have an inkling of where we fit in the world. But it's more than that. When we are young, we are so identified with, and anguished about, our physical appearance—our weight, our skin, our white teeth. Not surprising since, at this stage, we have the challenge of making a love-match. We like to think we've risen above animal preening behavior—think peacock, here—but we haven't. We still spend far too much time and money trying to make ourselves attractive. As we age, we are forced to give up our attempts be the prettiest/handsomest person in the room, so we move a little deeper.

By middle-age, we are more concerned about relationship and connection. I don't know about you, but at this stage, I made a lifetime's worth of mistakes. I did everything wrong that I possibly could. Many of us come away from mid-life battered and disillusioned, but wiser by far. When we enter into relationship afterward, it is more authentic and less idealistic. We redefine intimacy and move it closer to the heart. Our relationships are deeper and more satisfying.

By the time we reach our sixties, assuming we have done our spiritual/psychological work, we lose our egocentric leanings, and move to a far more egalitarian, compassionate, and tolerant frame of mind. By then, we've made every possible mistake, so we're less judgmental of ourselves and others; we begin to identify with and actually appreciate our flaws. We're happier, because we live close to our soul. Wrinkles, while unattractive, are not of great concern.

The key to achieving happiness and peace of mind in old age is doing that psychological work along the way. Shifting away from blaming and shaming, and toward choices made, consequences experienced, lessons learned. This is my life, and I am responsible for my choices. It's okay to screw-up and do stupid stuff—in fact, it's absolutely expected. But the ability to take responsibility for our actions and learn from them will make us less likely to screw-up in the same way again. It's a learning process. It's life's work, and it's incredibly fulfilling. Whether you're young, or middle-aged, or old, life is a blessing every single day. Seize this moment.

                                                           In the Spirit,

                                                              Jane