Crack Open the Door

Take a Peep

“Numb the dark and you numb the light.”
Brene Brown (Daring Greatly)

Lately, I've been contemplating the Shadow. Within the shadow of an individual are the personality traits of which one is unaware. For some, those are dark traits, such as cruelty, judgment, conceit, feigned helplessness, indifference, lack of empathy. For others, especially for those who pride themselves on being a tough guy, the shadow contains the light qualities to which they are blind—kindness, generosity, compassion, vulnerability and also, fear of appearing weak and ordinary. Sometimes we are simply oblivious to those traits, and sometimes we actively repress awareness of them. Part of becoming a conscious person is cracking open the door and taking a peep at our shadow.

This is not to suggest that we break out the sackcloth and ashes and bind ourselves to rock at low tide. Simply put, part of becoming whole is seeing yourself in your fullness. We cannot become authentic unless we have at least some awareness of our biases and how they are acted out in the world. If I have an unconscious bias against a group or an individual, I will say and do things that are harmful to my relationships with them, and then I will wonder why I have difficult relationships. Mostly, I will blame someone else. We see a lot of that these days.

Biases are learned. They are taught explicitly and implicitly—usually by our tribe. We grow up with prejudices of which we are unaware because they seem normal to us. When they are pointed out, we say things like, “That's just how I was brought up.” Unfortunately, once we get into the wider world, the same biases that bound us together with our tribe separate us from others. We have to unlearn them in order to function effectively in the world. But, before we can unlearn them, we must acknowledge that they exist. Prejudices apply heavily to the majority culture, but not exclusively. Within our shadow, we all carry biases and prejudices. We don't like to look at them because they are ugly and shameful, but to become whole, as a person and as a culture, we must open our eyes and see.

Facing the truth of our shadow can be daunting, even terrifying. To be sure, looking with unveiled eyes at that which we have chosen to hide makes us feel vulnerable and ashamed, but in the words of Brene Brown, “Truth and courage aren't always comfortable, but they're never weakness.” When we are able to look ourselves in the eye, and acknowledge our shadow, we allow more light to shine in. To the extent we run from this challenge, we are destined to walk in darkness all our days. Honesty is strength that requires courage.
In the Spirit,
Jane