Boundaries
“Daring
to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even
when we risk disappointing others.”
Brene
Brown
I think this is one of
life's hardest lessons. It is not a weakness to want to please the
people we love; it's part of being a pack animal. We want to belong
to the tribe because, for us, that is essential to life. As members
of a pack, we have certain duties and responsibilities and one of
them is to figure out how to get along with the other members of our
team. So we are trained from birth to share, to give in to the will
of the group, and to take a backseat, if necessary. When we have to
swim against the current, it's uncomfortable. Some of us have adapted
by caving in, even when we feel strongly about what is right.
Respecting the will of
the majority is part of a democratic process, but so is standing up
for what you believe to be right. Beginning to pull yourself out of collective consciousness is, believe me, swimming against the
tide. Take the women and men who are now standing up and speaking out
against sexual misconduct in the professions—they are being called
liars, and many are being threatened. For so long, they did not feel
safe enough to speak up, or if they did speak out, they were told to
be quiet, or else lose their jobs. The fact that they are telling
their stories now shows that we are making progress, but that
progress does not come without pain.
Setting boundaries is a
painful process when you are a pack animal. It won't win you friends
or make you the darling of the clan. Boundary setting takes courage;
risk is involved. It may even require finding another tribe with whom
to belong. But, boundaries are healthy and necessary to the integrity
of each individual in any group, whether that group is a family, or a
working team. We risk disappointing others, but the ability to do so
in an honorable way may be the catalyst for change that will move the
whole team forward. If there is a boundary that you need to set,
doing so may free you to be who you truly are. And, strong
individuals make the very best team players.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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