Dangerous
and Noble Things
“I want
to think again of dangerous and noble things.
I want to
be light and frolicsome.
I want to
be improbable, beautiful and afraid of nothing
as though
I had wings.”
Mary
Oliver (Owls and Other Fantasies)
My friend, Ellen, asked
me yesterday if I ever think of death. Of course! Of course I do, but
maybe not in the way one would think. Having just had surgery for
uterine cancer, I could not avoid considering the possibility of
imminent death. I wrote a Will, did advanced directives, appointed a
power of attorney and medical power of attorney—all the usual
things one does when one is taking care of business. But the truth
is, I didn't believe I might die. Either I was deep into denial, or I
just knew it was not my time.
What I do find myself
considering is what I want to accomplish before I die. I find myself
planning and actually doing things I had put on the heap of, “I'll
do that later.” Even if I didn't die this time, as a woman of
seventy-one, my time is limited. That is not a morbid statement; it
is simple reality. I know several people in their nineties, and yes,
they are still alive and some are still vital, but most can no longer
function as they once did. Like Mary Oliver, now in her eighties, and
me, they would like to be “light and frolicsome” but that is no
longer a possibility. Now, we remember when we were, and, speaking
for myself, I love to watch young people who are. I hope they fully
and consciously embrace their time of being “improbable, beautiful
and afraid of nothing.”
I say all this, not to
make you sad, but to inject a modicum of honesty and reality into my
writing. This life is finite—enjoy it while you may. I saw this
quote on Pinterest by a little girl of four, named Greta: “I
really love being human. But some days I really wish I could be a
fairy.” I love that! Some days I wish I could be a fairy, too.
Or an owl, which is closer to my true nature. My wish from here on,
for however many years I have to walk this beautiful earth, is to be
honest—to tell my own truth. The late poet and essayist, Adrienne
Rich, wrote this: “When a woman tells the truth, she is creating
the possibility for more truth around her.” To me, that's the
very best thing we human-fairies can do.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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