Basic
Nature
“If
right now our emotional reaction to seeing a certain person or
hearing certain news is to fly into a rage or to feel despondent or
something equally extreme, it's because we have been cultivating that
particular habit for a very long time.”
Pema
Chodron
While cleaning out
drawers in the basement, I found a color photograph of my sister,
Jerrie, and me. It's a studio photograph, of which there are
very few. I look to be about four and Jerrie, perhaps eight. She is
compliantly smiling in a made-up way, and, I promise you, I look like
a bounty hunter—very sober, very serious, and not comfortable in
the least with what is going on. At four, I was already a skeptic.
Most of us are born with
a particular nature—some of us are easy-going from the beginning,
some are intense, and some are, quite literally, difficult to deal
with. We also develop our preferred defense mechanisms early on. We
learn what works best for us, whether it is joking around, or people
pleasing, or using anger to control and manipulate others into doing
our will. Some of us learn that the sweeter we are, the more people
love us, so we have to shut down all the parts of ourselves that
aren't sweet. When anger bursts out we're as surprised as anyone
else. We identify ourselves as easy-going, or intense, or tough, or
intellectual, and that means we must tightly control the opposites of
those emotions or put our identity at risk.
Over a lifetime, our
preferred way of being in the world needs to evolve alongside our
consciousness. All of our well-developed defenses begin to crumble
around middle age. We get tired of pleasing everyone, or our
excessive anger leads to hypertension, or our intensity irritates and
exhausts us. Discomfort is usually the catalyst for change. Our basic
nature stays the same, but emotionally we mature (hopefully) enough
to include a range of responses to a variety of situations.
The purpose of defense mechanisms is to protect our ego. As young people, we are
still building and honing our ego strengths—determining who we want to be and
how we want to operate in the world. Later in life, we come to
understand that ego is only one part of us, and we can move beyond
its need for protection. When someone insults us, instead of flying
into rage, we can acknowledge the wound to our ego, but not to give it license to retaliate. Likewise, we can stop care-taking
and inserting ourselves into other people's lives. We don't have to
respond to every event as though it's the apocalypse. In addition to an
ego, we also have a soul. Instead of living from our ego, we can
learn to live from our soul. It takes work, but it's a much better
place to be.
In the Spirit,
Jane
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