Family
Roles
“Our
experience quite literally is defined by our assumptions about life.
We make stories about the world and to a large degree live out their
plots. What our lives are like depends to a great extent on the
script we consciously, or more likely, unconsciously, have adopted.”
Carol
S. Pearson (The Hero Within)
Most
of us, though not all, were born into families. Within that
microcosm, we were assigned, almost always unconsciously, a role to
play within the family. We spend the rest of our lives, unless we
come to consciousness and truly want to change, living out of that
role—recreating it in our own families and in our relationships
with others. That role defines our orientation to life itself—be it
the hero, the martyr, the warrior, the orphan, the wanderer, the
innocent, or perhaps, the eternal child. If my role in the family was
that of hero, I will view all challenges as dragons to be slain,
obstacles to be overcome. I will wear myself out taking on more than
I can handle, and attempting the impossible. Sometimes, I succeed,
which spurs me on to more. I must be the best at everything I do, or
I am an utter failure; there is no middle ground.
If
my role is the orphan, I will live to find comfort and belonging, and
what I find is never sufficient to my needs. I will try person after
person, relationship after relationship, spa after spa in an effort to find the tender touch of home
I feel I never had. I will always see myself as being left out and
abandoned. If my role in the family was martyr, I will give up
essential parts of myself in order to feel that I am fulfilling my
obligations. My energy will always go outward; spent for the sake of
others and good causes. I will, in fact, do far more than anyone
needs or wants.
For
every role, there is an up side and a down side. Who doesn't want to
be a hero? We admire and respect successful people, we hold them up
as models, and generations of young people attempt to emulate their
feats. But when they fall, they fall hard. Our expectations are
enormously high, and our disappointment dangerously low. A good
martyr is essential to practically every non-profit organization on
earth. Someone who will give their heart and soul to a cause often
becomes the hero that cause, usually at the expense of their own
health and well being. Orphans gather huge communities of caring
people around them, all of whom knock themselves out trying to
provide that individual, and one another with a sense of belonging.
The eternal child is one who never loses his sense of play, his
freedom to laugh and entertain. He's fun to be around, but don't
expect him to take responsibility for his actions, or ever be the
adult in the room.
There
are many story roles we can play in the world if we choose. All of
them have pros and cons, but sooner or later, we need to bring
balance to each of them. The only way to do that is to make them
conscious, and for that, we take a good long look at how we view
life. What is our perception of how the world operates? What is an
honest appraisal of how we maintain the role we were assigned in our
family? How are we living it out today? Taking on this process of
discovery doesn't have to be a burden, but it will require some work.
Consider yourself a detective in your own life—Sherlock-you. This
book, The Hero Within, by Carol Pearson, first published in
1986, might be a good piece of research material for your
exploration.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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