Avoidance
“It
is not fear that keeps you from doing the brave and true thing in
your daily life. Rather, the problem is avoidance. You want to feel
comfortable so you avoid doing or saying the thing that will evoke
fear and other difficult emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less
vulnerable in the short run but, it will never make you feel less
afraid.”
Harriet
Lerner (The Dance of Fear)
I've
known very few people in my life who did not use avoidance as one of
their many coping strategies. “It's not worth the fight,” we say.
“Nothing will change.” So we bite our tongues and avoid the
situation and hope it will miraculously transform of its own accord.
It rarely does.
Avoidance
has its perks. Not pointing out every single annoying thing your
friend or partner does, and making it “an issue” is probably a
good thing. Pick your battles, I say. But if there is something that
is exceedingly annoying and vexing to you that goes unaddressed it
will erode the relationship over time. What we typically do is avoid
speaking our mind until the erosion is too great to repair.
Avoidance
is something we do habitually. It is part of civility, and it is
useful when the behaviors are trivial and impersonal. For example,
when someone in our workplace has a loud and obnoxious (in our eyes)
personality, we have opportunities to practice tolerance, acceptance
and anger control. We deal with difficult behavior more easily when
we can go home at the end of the day, and not see the person again
until tomorrow. But, in intimate relationships avoidance is less
effective, and it results in an accumulation of negativity in the
belly. When we've finally had “a belly full” we explode in
destructive ways.
We
can avoid that explosion of vitriol by addressing things with they
happen in a manner that is respectful of the humanity of the other
person. We can speak of it in such terms as, “When you do that, I
feel.....” which allows us to claim our feelings as our own. Then
we can listen with patience to their response. We may not sidestep an
uncomfortable situation, but we may actually resolve something that
will only grow more stressful with time. When we love someone,
discomfort is worth the price for gaining understanding. Authenticity
in our intimate relationships, which includes saying what's on your
heart, strengthens them. Avoidance does not.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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