Setting Healthy
Boundaries
“When
we begin to set boundaries with people we love, a really hard thing
happens: they hurt...If you love them, this will be difficult for you
to watch. But when you are dealing with someone who is hurting,
remember that your boundaries are both necessary for you and helpful
for them...”
Henry
Cloud & John Townsend (Boundaries)
One
of the most constant and difficult parts of being a grown-up is
learning what a healthy boundary looks like. This is especially true
with our significant others and with our children; the people with
whom we have always maintained porous boundaries. I see lots of
people, full-grown adults, with full-grown spouses and children, who
are oblivious to boundary violations. I, myself, find setting healthy boundaries extremely
challenging. I have a tendency to give unasked-for advice, and to
make judgments without considering the implications of my words. In
some ways, we are schooled to think of this as “being close.” We
believe that when we're close to another, we are entitled to certain
liberties when it comes to their private thoughts and lives. And we
are, but we still need to be mindful of stepping over the line into
invading their personal boundaries.
Likewise,
other people will invade your boundaries—will ask questions that
are too personal or none of their business, will give advice that you
don't need or want and haven't asked for, or will assume that they
have permission to insert themselves into your life without asking.
Sometimes, we allow this to happen because we love them and we feel
uncomfortable setting a firm boundary—we don't want to hurt
them, or offend them so gravely that they will abort our
relationship. Boundary setting is a delicate business. Also, a very
necessary business. Healthy boundaries are essential to healthy
relationships. The human response to repeated boundary violations is
anger, and sooner or later, anger will destroy any relationship.
We begin to set healthy boundaries, by talking with our loved ones,
and even people we don't love, but have to work with, without anger
or blame. We start by owning our own tendency to invade their
privacy. We can apologize when we see that we have done that, whether
intentionally, or unintentionally. When we have trust capital built
up with someone, we can usually bank on that carrying us through an
uncomfortable conversation. With others, kindhearted firmness is
critical—and then, we must stick to our guns. Hold the line through
the emotional fallout, gently, firmly. Now and then, remind yourself
that healthy boundaries are both necessary for you, and helpful to
others.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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