Space and Time

Making Accommodations

“Modern Judaism places great emphasis upon participation in the community. Indeed, many Jewish scholars and rabbis believe that individual spiritual practice is antithetical to the tradition...Nevertheless, Jewish mystics have always been drawn to practices of introspection, contemplation, and seclusion.”

Rabbi David A. Cooper (God is a Verb)

Yesterday during Spirituality Group, we had an interesting discussion about space. Not the kind with stars in it, but the need, or lack of need, for personal space and solitude. Like Jewish traditionalists and mystics, we have differences of opinion. Some of us require periods of seclusion, and some of us function best in community.

Ask yourself this question: When am I my truest self—when I am alone, or when I am with others? The answers are often determined by which aspects of personality are strongest and most dependable. Those who self-identify as introverted, require more alone time—it is a simple truth that is often misunderstood by their friends and partners. Those who self-identify as extroverted, thrive in the company of other people. They sometimes view introverted folks as cut-off, distant, cold, withdrawn. When these different aspects come together in an intimate union, or a marriage, they have to be negotiated or they cause irreparable harm.

In the spiritual arena, time alone and time with others also needs to be balanced. Some of us go to church or temple on Sabbath, and for the rest of the week, we are purely secular. Spiritual growth is slower in such cases than it would be if we included time for solitary contemplation. Some of us find our closest connection to divinity when we are alone in nature, or sitting quietly in meditation or prayer. But if we do not bring that connection back to our human community, it is essentially dormant. In all things, understanding and appreciation of differences are required—we need both time alone and time in community.

If you love someone who is very different from you in their desire for alone time and space, it is worth negotiating. The first step is to understand that whether you are a person who needs the continuous stimulation of others, or one who needs extended periods of solitary time, there is nothing wrong with you. You do not have a fatal flaw. Secondly, it is not an insurmountable imperfection in your significant other if they are not the same as you. These are simply different needs based on the nature of the two souls inhabiting these bodies. Allowances must be made for nature and need.

We can find ways to accommodate our loved ones if we choose. We can give up comparing apples and oranges, and realize that both are legitimate fruit, and both are delicious. In NO human quarter is there only one right path.

                                                                  In the Spirit,

                                                                       Jane