Holding the Space

Loving Relationships

“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow if they succeed in loving the distance between them, which makes it possible for them to see each other whole against the sky.”

Rainer Maria Rilke

So many of us see others as extensions of ourselves--my sister, my brother, my best friend, my boss. It’s human to do that. I’m guilty of it myself. But that perception makes it hard to see them “whole against the sky.” No where is this more true than between spouses or life-partners. We take for granted that we know them; that we know more about that significant other than anyone else on the planet. And we’re probably correct. But here’s the question, do you hold anything back from that spouse or partner? Do they know everything there is to know about you? Holding back information that is unsavory or unflattering is also human. In fact, it is essential to smooth running relationships.

I’m not saying we should hold back information that is important, or that we should be dishonest with the ones we love, but I am saying that there are some things best kept to oneself. We don’t share every thought, every past indiscretion, every judgement, because if we did we would overwhelm our partner. Allowing some mystery to exist between ourselves and others is like allowing some space to exist within a story so that we don’t know what will happen next. It builds suspense and keeps us turning the pages; it holds our interest. There’s nothing worse than reading a predictable story.

Close relationships are close because we allow some space to exist within them; because we allow that significant other to keep part of themselves for themselves. Even with a lover, we don’t appreciate meddling. We don’t want them to read our journals or open our mail. We don’t want them eavesdropping on our conversations or questioning us about them. We want to give information of our own free will, and not have it coaxed or coerced out of us. When it is, we feel violated, even if the person who coerces is someone we love very much.

Loving relationships are the best part of being human. And loving includes allowing one another to be singular, whole and autonomous.

In the Spirit,

Jane