Freedom
to Choose
“For
many years, you chose not to be free. Then you felt stifled, so you
groused and rebelled. That was an important part of your journey. It
helped you break out of your prison, loosen the chains around you.
Now you see the truth. You have always been free.”
Melody
Beattie (Journey to the Heart)
Recently,
I was talking on the phone with a woman who used to be a neighbor.
When she lived in the neighborhood our children played together and
she visited me often. She had a high-powered job that required her to
dress well. Once when she came by, I was pawing through my closet,
trying to find something to wear to dinner at a very exclusive club
that evening. I had nothing—no, really—I am many things, but I am
not a clothes horse. She, on that day, wore a gorgeous white brocade
suit. I commented on how beautiful she looked in it, and she said
without the slightest hesitation, “Do you want to wear it tonight?”
Then she proceeded to disrobe and put on some of my old sweat pants
and a tee-shirt, and I wore her white suit to the club. It was one of
the kindest things anyone has ever done for me.
Now
she lives up-state in a very conservative, some would say very
backward, little town, where she feels perfectly miserable. She hates
the town so much that a few years ago, she bought herself a small
house in Birmingham, just so she could come here and stay for a few
days at a time to get away from it. Then she started worrying that
her husband might divorce her citing abandonment as cause, so she
sold her little house and moved back to the unhappiness of the small
town. She told me on the phone, “These people who say, 'you're only
miserable if you choose to be; you have a choice,' are a crock. We
don't have a choice.” I bit my tongue, knowing how often I have
said that.
We
do have choices—but all our choices have consequences. It's the
consequences of our choices that we would rather not face. For
instance, if my friend chooses to live where she is happiest, than
she may sacrifice the security of her marriage. If she chooses to
hold fast to the marriage, then she may have to live where she is
clearly unhappy. On the other hand, she could choose to search for
opportunities that would give her existence in that small town
meaning, and in so doing, might even make friends with whom she has
common interests. Or she can choose to stand apart from the townsfolk, cast disparagement on their backward ways, and feel even
more isolated and unhappy. Unless we are dependent children, or
captives, we always have choices.
Taking
responsibility for our choices brings with it a heavy dose of
reality. Sometimes, it is easier to say, “I don't have a choice,”
and blame others for our unhappiness—that is the prison. Our
willingness to accept responsibility for the choices we make, and for
the consequences those choices bring, is freedom. And, we are
the only ones who hold the key.
In
the Spirit,
Jane
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