Problem
Solving
“Problems
are part of life. So are solutions. People have problems, but we, and
our self-esteem, are separate from our problem.”
Melody
Beattie (The Language of Letting Go)
Now
and then, I need to take down this little book and remind myself that
I am not the savior of the world. I wonder whether you, like me, grew
up thinking if there's a problem, I should be “The Solver”
regardless of whose problem it is. If I can't solve it, or god-forbid
it's not mine to solve, I feel shame for the problem having existed
in the first place. It must be something I did or failed to do. Do you hear the arrogance in that? Not only am I the grand-poopah of
problem solving, but queen of the universe as well.
Everyone
has problems. There's no shame in having a problem. The shame is in
believing that having a problem defines us as a failure. It is simply nonsense to think that somehow, because of education, or innate intelligence, or
wealth, or poverty, or any other factor, we should be exempt from having
problems. Problems are part of the landscape of
human existence. We, ourselves, are more than the sum of our
problems.
Even
when the problem we have is due to our own behavior, it's okay. It's
okay to talk about problems at appropriate times with people we
trust. It's okay to try different solutions until we find the one
that works for us. It's okay to ask people who care about us how they
would deal with the problem. It's likely that they, too, have
problems to deal with.
What
is not okay is shame. It's not helpful, and it's not productive; it's
a waste of time and energy. If shame rears its ugly head, just tell
it to take a hike, and get on with looking for solutions. Look
forward, not backward. Every day we waste on regret and shame, is a
day we won't find a solution to our problem. And here's a secret:
finding a solution to one's own problem is like receiving a gift from
the universe. Don't take away that gift by trying to solve problems
that don't belong to you.
In
the spirit,
Jane
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