Coping...

Fleeing the Pain

“We do whatever we can to avoid the raw pain of feeling unworthy. Each time our deficiencies are exposed—to ourselves or to others—we react, anxiously trying to cover our nakedness...Over the years we each develop a particular blend of strategies designed to hide our flaws and compensate for what we believe to be wrong with us.”

                                  Tara Brach, Ph.D. (Radical Acceptance)

Everyone has their coping mechanisms. When something is not up to snuff in our lives, especially when we are weighed down with worry, we dig around in our trunk full of tricks and come up with an old favorite. Once employed, that good old reliable friend takes over and we focus on it rather than the thing that has us in its grip. Brach calls it unworthiness, but there are a multitude of reasons for applying a coping strategy. 

Some of us launch into a self-improvement campaign—we diet, compulsively go to the gym, run marathons. We get a new look or a new wardrobe. Some of us embark on a new course of study to add to a long string of degrees, we volunteer for everything, we go to character-building workshops. Most of these pursuits are harmless, and some of them actually improve our feelings about ourselves for a period of time. But they do not address the void of imperfection that is haunting us.

Some of us hold back from trying new things, rather than risk failure. We play it safe and only do the things we are certain we can do, and preferably, do better than anybody else. We are reluctant to take on challenging assignments or take leadership roles even though we may be best equipped for the job. We hold back, or even deny our creativity. We don't say what we mean, whether good or bad, but especially when it might be construed as criticism.

Some of us pull away from the present moment and our own feelings by focusing on someone else, or something else. Our work, our spouse, our children, our grandchildren, our friend who is sick, and on and on and on. We run in place, sending all our energy out to whatever the “cause” of the moment happens to be. We analyze every situation and person with whom we come in contact, and endlessly prescribe fixes.

Some of us deal with anxiety by keeping busy. We clean the house, rearrange the closets, make lists of everything that needs to be fixed and bought. We take on extra assignments at work. We shop, we chop, we sweep, we grind, we plant, dig, sew, we spend hours on the computer. We do whatever it takes to keep from actually stopping long enough to allow our feelings to catch up with us.

Most of us look at other people we admire and criticize ourselves for not being more like them. We call ourselves names and tell others that we always screw things up, or “can't” do some perfectly simple thing. We may focus on other people's faults as critically as our own. We may even conger a cause-and-effect scenario, “If he didn't do so and so, I would be such and such.” Whatever it takes to keep from feeling what we feel, to deflect and delay and deny.

We could save ourselves a great deal of time and energy if we only allowed ourselves to be where we are, feel what we feel, and stay with ourselves long enough to understand what is really going on in our hearts and minds. It may be more painful initially, but in the long run, it holds the only possibility for healing.

                                                   In the spirit,

                                                     Jane