Living
Free
“If
we devote ourselves to the life at hand, the rest will follow. For
life, it seems, reveals itself through those willing to live.
Anything else, no matter how beautiful, is just advertising.”
Mark
Nepo (The Book of Awakening)
In
my Sunday spirituality class we discussed the 'false self'; that self
that we construct in childhood in order to compensate for the things
we lack. One member of the class told his own story. He was the fifth
child born to a mother who was over forty, and not in the least
interested in having another child. She loved him and took care of
him, but kept her distance. As a result, he learned independence very
young, and established an attitude of, “I don't need your help. I
can do it myself!” Such an attitude serves us well in some aspects
of our lives, business, for instance, but becomes a serious stumbling
block to intimacy and cooperation in relationships.
There
are other false selves that you will recognize: the one so apparent
in our world today is the child who lacked for basic financial
security, and who, as an adult, seeks to find it in material wealth.
Huge houses, expensive cars, extravagant lifestyle. And still the
feelings of insecurity nag and hang on. The person who experienced
abuse as a child, who, as an adult, seeks to control every aspect of
life, including work and personal relationships. Behaviors that were
once necessary for survival become our greatest challenges to living
freely, as life presents itself—in the moment. Our focus and energy
go into plugging whatever hole was forged in childhood.
In
our later years, we must dredge up and look at the accumulation of
false selves, in order to sort out what is real from what is not. If
we want intimate and loving relationships, we must give up the
pursuit of perfection, control, and importance. Getting clear about
what motivates compensatory behaviors allows us to meet life as the
person we truly are and not the one contrived by a child to give a
false sense of security.
When
you realize what you are doing and give it up, you feel as though a
boulder the size of an elephant has been lifted off your shoulders.
You feel free, alive and open. Awareness of our false selves doesn't
come all at once, but is usually a three-steps-forward and two-back
proposition. Don't give up. It's hard to change the habits of a
lifetime, but the reward for doing so is life on its own terms. And
that is a beautiful thing.
In
the spirit,
Jane
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