Clouds of glory.

Loving the Shadow

“We came as infants 'trailing clouds of glory,' arriving from the farthest reaches of the universe, bringing with us appetites well preserved from our mammal inheritance, spontaneities wonderfully preserved from our 150,000 years of tree life, angers well preserved from our 5,000 years of tribal life—in short, with our 360 degree radiance—and we offered this gift to our parents. They didn't want it. They wanted a nice girl or a nice boy...”

                         Robert Bly (The Little Book on the Human Shadow)

Robert Bly goes on to say that we spend the first half of our lives trying to stuff the parts of ourselves that our parents don't like into a long bag, and the second half trying to get them out again. When one of those stored-up appetites pops out in an unguarded moment, we feel shame and guilt. Then somewhere around mid-life, we realize that we've played it too safe; we've stuffed a significant part of ourselves for too long, and now, by golly, we're going to open up that long bag and see who lives there. Enter the mid-life crisis. We throw out the spouse, who now looks a lot like our mother (or father), and we take on the life of Mr. Hyde, or one of his cousins. We look in the mirror and see that the handsome boy, or beautiful girl, that we once were is beginning to fade, which propels us on a mad scramble to get her/him back. We change our diet, our wardrobe, our make-up, and maybe even go so far as surgery to grab back our original 'radiance'.

There is an easier way, of course, but few of us take it. We can choose to deal sanely with our shadow material—that stuff in the bag that our parents told us was 'bad' and 'unacceptable'. If we have a good partner, we can talk openly about our appetites and find ways to exercise them without throwing out the baby with the bathwater. We can even have fun and rejuvenate an old relationship by agreeing to try out our alternative personalities together. I have some friends who do this—they have play days where their alter-egos do things together; they stay in character all day and night and have great fun. Most of us aren't that comfortable letting down our guard and admitting that we have such an uncouth character residing in us. We deny it life and therefore make it our enemy—our 'bad wolf'.

There's a lot of juicy life in the bag. But if we keep it under wraps, even from ourselves, it will wreak havoc with our lives and our relationships. If we take a peek, and then another peek into the bag, and begin to accept that we have the whole gamut of traits, we can integrate them into a whole living, loving human being—one with a wicked sense of humor.

The first step is accepting that we aren't the saint that Mommie and Daddy tried to mold us into. They were just doing their job, of course, but now it's time for us to do our job and discover our wholeness. The second step is making friends with our dark side so that it doesn't run amok with our lives. And the third step is enjoying this side of us in a way that respects and accepts its validity. Open the bag. Take a peek.

                                              In the spirit,

                                                Jane