Love
Shared
“For
the error bred in the bone
of
each woman and each man
craves
what it cannot have,
not
universal love
but
to be loved alone.”
W.H.
Auden
Remember
what it was like when you were first asked to share a precious toy
with a sister or brother? Or when mom came home from the hospital
with a new baby in her arms, looking so happy and preoccupied with
its care? Do you remember when your own adolescent child turned away
from you and became far more interested in friends? We are all born
to want unconditional love from others, but that love is not only
difficult, it's impossible. As a child we worry that if our parent
loves the baby, there will be no love left for us; that love divided
is no love at all.
The
desire to be loved alone is no doubt part of our DNA since every
child has it and carries the seed of it into adulthood. Slowly, as we
mature, we relinquish that impossible dream in all our relationships,
but we are never entirely free of it. My own mother had three
children—I was the middle. My older sister never got over being
dethroned by me and harbored an anguished resentment toward me her
whole life. I watched this theme play out between my father and his
mother. He sheltered her, provided for her, cared her all her life,
while she showered love and generosity on his brother. He never gave
up trying to earn her affection.
Even
as older adults, we keep going back to that aging parent hoping for
that word, that smile, something that indicates they hold us in
special love and regard. Emotionally secure parents are able to give
all of their children that gift, but many just don't have it to give.
Some adult children manage before the parent dies, to see them as
simply another human being, full of flaws, sometimes incapable of
love for reasons that have nothing to do with the child. Acceptance
comes, but the wound remains.
Growing
up takes a lifetime. It requires patience. The only person who can
give unconditional love to us is we ourselves. Love shared is love
increased. There is enough to go around. It begins in our own hearts.
In
the spirit,
Jane
No comments:
Post a Comment