Bonding

A Different Kind of Love

“Learning to love differently is hard,

love with the hands wide open, love

with the doors banging on their hinges,

the cupboard unlocked, the wind

roaring and whimpering in the rooms

rustling the sheets and snapping the blinds

that thwack like rubber bands

in an open palm.

It hurts to love wide open

stretching muscles that feel

as if they are made of wet plaster,

of blunt knives, then

of sharp knives...”

                               Marge Piercy (To Have Without Holding)

When we take the oath, those of us who are allowed, to commit ourselves to another, we say those words, 'to have and to hold until death do us part'. Taken literally they are ominous; they seem to mean possession, ownership. This is mine to have and hold on to forever. When we are in the newness of love, they are easy to say—sweet even. But years down the road, these same words become obstacles to relationship. How many times have I heard in the therapy room, “You do not own me! I am not your property!”

Love flourishes in an environment of freedom. When a person can love without clutching, love and let go, the sweet breeze of liberty enlivens. Then we can be committed to another because we want to be, and not because it is demanded. The kind of love that says, 'you must always be with me, you must never turn away', begins to feel, after a while, like bondage. Even when we love someone, we find ourselves pulling away, feeling claustrophobic, and trapped. The desperate need of another for constant attention is the best way to kill the feeling of being in love.

How many of us are able to 'have without holding'? It doesn't come naturally, or easily. Fear gets in the way. Fear and faith are polar opposites. When we have faith in a relationship, we can open our hand, release our grip, and allow our bonding to be a privilege and not an obligation.

                                                In the spirit,

                                                Jane