A Father's Gift

Fathers and Daughters

“She rises while it is yet night

and provides food for her household

and tasks for her maidens.

She considers a field and buys it;

with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.

She girds her loins with strength

and makes her arms strong.

She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.

Her lamp does not go out at night...

Strength and dignity are her clothing,

and she laughs at the time to come.

She opens her mouth with wisdom,

and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.”

                                      Proverbs 31, RSV

Hard to believe that this description of woman is thousands of years old, isn't it? Not the 'little lady' we have been led to believe women were expected to be back in the day. This is the true feminine—strong, intelligent, resourceful, kind. Women learn to a large extent what the expectations are for a woman, not from their mothers, but from their fathers. Girls whose fathers value and respect women, grow up to be secure, confident and self-directed. Those whose fathers speak of women in derogatory terms, even when such speech is not directed at their daughters, grow up with shame and lack of self-esteem.

My own father expected my sister and me to be educated, but once we married, we were to enter into a 'non-compete' agreement. It was unseemly, in his world view, for a woman to out-earn her husband. The education was his idea of a back-up plan in case (God forbid) we never married or we ever had to take care of ourselves. Women who had strong opinions were considered arrogant and out of line (and something that rhymes with witches). He had a few female friends, but related to women mainly as underlings in his office.

As fate would have it, it was a female civil engineer who bought his business when he retired. And when my father was dying, his resident at Duke Hospital was a young woman, the attending physician was a woman, and the hospice chaplain was a woman. I thought, 'God is giving him a chance to reconcile his attitude toward women right up to the end'. My father was not a bad man. In fact, most people considered him to be a very good man, but he was a man of his time. Men of his generation were so totally in control that they didn't have to think about how they treated women. Thankfully, times have changed.

If you are a father or grandfather of a girl, realize that you play a crucial role in how she will grow up to see herself and her place in the world. It is your behavior toward her that will communicate whether a woman's character and intelligence are valued. It is you who can give her the gift of self-respect and esteem. It is a responsible role to play.

                                                         In the spirit,

                                                        Jane