A Southern Education

Being a Non-Belle in the Deep South

“Polishing silver is the Southern lady’s version of grief therapy.”
Gayen Metcalfe & Charlotte Hays

I found a little book in the ‘sitting’ room of the Bay Breeze bed and breakfast titled: Being Dead Is No Excuse. It claims to be the official Southern ladies guide to hosting the perfect funeral, and includes recipes for such things as Aunt Hebe’s Coconut Cake and Mason-Dixon Curried Chicken Salad, and of course, Ham Mouse, because what else can you do with the 3-5 hams every Southern household receives when someone dies. It also gives helpful tips about how to make stuffed eggs that will be the envy of even Episcopal ladies.

You may laugh, but this is serious business in certain quarters of the South. When my friend Libba’s mother died a couple of years ago, she used her last breaths not to say goodbye to her three children, but to make a list of what wine and spirits they should buy so as to be prepared for Dothan’s intelligentsia when they came to her wake. Southern ladies (of which I am unequivocally not included, let me just say) are always prepared to give their very best no matter what the occasion.

Another small gem found here is A Southern Belle Primer, titled: Why Princess Margaret will never be a Kappa Kappa Gamma. It is quite informative and even lists the top ten burial casseroles and other accompaniments along with the zodiac of acceptable silver patterns. Also included are certain words that are the ‘heart and soul of any Southern belle’s vocabulary’, such as ‘lovely’ and ‘precious’ and ‘darlin’. Anyone who spends five minutes here knows that a Southern belle can ‘sing your praises to the sky or slash you completely apart with the nicest sounding words you could ever hope to hear.’ I can vouch for this, truly and surely. To say someone is NICE is the kiss of death—as in ‘well, she seems perfectly NICE, but I don’t know her family’, which translates to ‘you do know she’s white trash, don’t you?’

Hope y'all have a NICE day, darlin’. Stay as precious as always.
Who did you say stuffed these eggs, honey?

Your non-belle,
Jane