Laughable Moments

The Perils of Old Age

“Sometimes I wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.”

                                  Alan Coren

         When my mother was still living, I noticed that she kept a variety of weaponry on her kitchen counter—scissors, kitchen shears, letter openers, knives in a variety of sizes, and some lethal looking, razor toothed pliers. I asked why, and she told me because it was so hard to open things these days. I scoffed, ripped open a bag of potato chips she was struggling with, and then gave her a few timely tips on the ‘right’ way to open the bag. She rolled her eyes. It was another of those, ‘just wait’ moments.

         This morning I poured a cup of coffee and reached for a small unopened can of cream to doctor it up. The can had one of those pull tabs on the top that, in theory, pop up and peel away the lid. I popped it up, but try as I might, couldn’t budge the lid. I got a kitchen knife, inserted it in the slot and tried to pry it up. It bent the can, but didn’t help otherwise. I tried to pour through the little slit, but hardly a drop would leak out. I tried the crank can opener, but it would not grip the rim of the can. Finally, I went to the basement and retrieved a pair of pliers from my tool box, brought them back upstairs and applied them to the pull tab. The tab broke off. I said a few choice words, threw the can of cream in the trash and put some plain old milk in my coffee. Then I said a silent ‘I’m sorry,’ to my mom. I could almost hear her laughing.

         Who is the evil genie that invents all these child proof lids and impossible-to-open bags? I now have a variety of weaponry on my kitchen counter—including pliers. I remember an Andy Rooney skit about the wad of cotton inside pill bottles and how hard it is to get out. Needle-nosed pliers or a good hemostat, if you can get your hands on one, (or if you have one left-over from the 60’s, as I do) are pretty good for that one. You have to get inventive. I keep a couple of hooks made from coat hangers for snagging pull-chains that have gotten hung up on the ceiling fan. That’s better than climbing on a chair and risking breaking your neck.

         Whoever said old age is not for sissies knew what they were talking about.

I hope you’re still young and vital.

                         

                          Keeping it real.

                          Jane