Life is filled with suspense.

Enduring Suspense

“Even cowards can endure hardship; only the brave can endure suspense.”

                                  Mignon McLaughlin

“I always thought it true courage to suffer.  Now I see that being alive is a special kind of bravery.”

                                  Anne Wilson Schaef

         I spoke with one of my sons on the phone last night.  He’s in business consulting and right now his client is in California.  He flies out of Atlanta on Sunday evening, works ten to twelve hour days, and then flies home on Friday.  He gets to be with his wife for about 36 hours each week.  As he was talking about the difficulties of travel and being so far from home, I had to fight the impulse to throw out suggestions for alternatives.  The old, “have you tried this,” or “have you done that”; I’m sure anyone with children knows exactly what I mean.  We want so much to do the right thing, the thing that will make our children happy and prosperous.  We want to control outcomes in such a way that our children will endure no hardship.  Seeing them struggle is much harder than struggling ourselves. 

         The truth for him is, he is fortunate to have a job in this economic climate, even one as challenging as this one.  And the truth for me is that I cannot control his life or his degree of happiness.  Giving up the illusion of control and living in limbo is harder than any hardship.  It really does require a special kind of bravery to live with the openness of life.  The discomfort of not knowing what comes next compels us to invent structure, create schedules, join groups, volunteer--anything but endure the suspense of nothingness.  The very idea of whole days of empty hours is an anathema. 

         What might happen if we just stopped?  What if we simply sat in silence until the day offered up its secrets, its natural rhythm, its ebb and flow of activity.  Would the universe grind to a halt?  Would the stars fall out of alignment?  Would we die? 

         There is rain outside my window today, dark even though the sun is up.  There is no schedule, no agenda beyond writing this blog.  It is a good day for waiting, in suspense, until life creates itself.  I WILL endure it.

                                  Shalom,

                                  Jane