Distance makes the heart grow fonder.

Degrees of Separation

“Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human beings infinite distances continue, a wonderful living side by side can grow, if they succeed in loving the distance between them which makes it possible for each to see the other whole against the sky.”

                                  Rainier Maria Rilke

         Rilke wrote in Love and Other Difficulties, “Love is at first not anything that means merging, giving over, and uniting with another…” which is the exact opposite of what most of us grow up expecting from a love-relationship.  We expect that the “two shall become one” and that “a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave unto his wife” as it says in Leviticus.  On close inspection, however, we realize that the word “cleave” has two opposite meanings.  One is to cling, adhere, stick, and the other is to split, rend asunder, and force apart.  In truth, one cannot know another unless there is some distance between them.

         The expectation of merging is one reason we have such devastating divorce rates.  To expect that our significant other will always share our ideas, our interests, or our bed places a lethal strain on the very relationship that is supposed to sustain us throughout our lives.  Always is a very long time.  Space allows joining to happen naturally, clinging shuts it down.

A ‘wonderful side by side’ is attained when there is freedom to both cling and split apart.  Knowing someone in their wholeness requires that I separate out that which is quintessentially me, from that which is you, and from that which is us, and respect the sacredness of each.  Such knowing requires that there be space enough to gain perspective.  When I observe the relationships of people that I know, the best are those that allow each person the freedom to move in and out of intense encounter.  It is as though the breath of life flows between the two.  The worst are those in which disappointment is a theme because one partner is not living up to the expectations of the other.  “You are not the one I fell in love with,” is a frequent refrain.  

Good relationships are one of life’s richest blessings.  And, good relationships require space, allow for change, and respect one another’s differences. 

                          Shalom,

                          Jane