Conflict: a necessary evil.

Entering the Fray

“Conflict is the gadfly of thought.  It stirs us to observation and memory.  It instigates invention.  It shocks us out of sheep-like passivity, and sets us to noting and contriving.”

                                  John Dewey

“To observe people in conflict is a necessary part of a child’s education.  It helps him to understand and accept his own occasional hostilities and to realize that differing opinion need not imply an absence of love.”

                                  Milton R. Sapirstein

         Conflict is an inevitable part of life.  Even though most of us avoid conflict at all cost, it will find us and engage us, or it will move into our interior reaches and plague us there.  I am reminded of my cat, Mauri.  Mauri is old and somewhat decrepit.  She is a pacifist at heart; a coward, actually.  Her nemesis is a stray-cat that has taken up a position on our doorstep.  Every morning when I let Mauri out, Stray-Cat is waiting.  As Mauri steps out, Stray-Cat takes a swipe at her.  Mauri has developed a funny little hop-step to avoid the one-armed swipe.  After this brief, hiss-less encounter, they simply ignore each other.  Isn’t that how most of us deal with conflict—jump away, avoid and ignore?

         The trick is to engage in conflict in a way that preserves the dignity of the opponent.  In external conflicts, attitude is the critical factor.  If we can state our position, listen carefully to the position of the other, and then see where we might meet in the middle, that is the best of all worlds—the win-win position.  Sometimes, we can’t meet in the middle and then it becomes a situation of how much ground we’re willing to give.  A good question to ask oneself might be, “In the big picture, how important is this to me?”  Another one is, “Is my position here worth losing a friendship (job, relationship) over?”  If your position is essential to you, then stand your ground in a manner that respects the other’s right to differ.  Easy to say, hard to do, I know.  But in conflict, one-ups-man-ship is a deal breaker. 

         In the case of internal conflict, the same rules apply.  Try not to curse yourself, or beat yourself up.  Instead, realize that internal conflict is a necessary part of clarifying priorities.  Jungian Analyst, Esther Harding, said, “Conflict is the beginning of consciousness.”  That gut-churning that all of us engage in from time to time, though miserably uncomfortable, is a necessary step toward gaining insight and decisiveness.  We must wrestle with our angels and our daemons before the light sets us free.  Whether inner or outer, I hope your day is free of conflict.

                                  Keeping it real,

                                  Jane